For some reason, AdCritic decided to give us “credit” for the Bud Light “Great Apes” Super Bowl spot. While we’re flattered that everyone thinks we ran a Super Bowl spot this year, we, um…didn’t. And if we had, it would have gone a little something like this:

FADE IN: EXT. ZOO, DAY.
TWO SUPER-INTELLIGENT GORILLAS HAVE A PRIVATE CONVERSATION.

GORILLA #1: “I’ve been working on this plan for three years. The same Bud Light delivery guy goes by every Thursday at the same time…”

GORILLA #2: “Wait, wait, wait. We’re super-intelligent gorillas. We can read, write, and talk. Bobo has had an investment blog for two years!”

CUT AWAY TO BOBO, POUNDING ON A LAPTOP.

GORILLA #1: “So what are you saying?”

GORILLA #2: “For one thing, why don’t we just ask for a beer. And for another…Bud Light!? You’re a highly-evolved mammal! That’s the best you could think of?”

GORILLA #1: “Sorry…”

GORILLA #2 : “Maybe we’re not all that super-intelligent. Geez.”

BOBO: "I wasn’t going to say anything…"

CUT TO: TITLE CARD.

TITLE CARD: Heineken. It’s about the beer.

FADE OUT.

For those of us that have never been fans of V-Day – the folks at Altoids opened three very temporary retail outlets on February 8th. 

In the week leading up to Valentine’s Day, Altoids invites the lovesick, lovelorn and Cupid-wary to a sanctuary from all the romantic overtures.

Altoids Curious and Original Chocolate Shoppes have touched down in Chicago, Miami and New York, and will feature various activities, from Therapeutic Crafts for the Broken-Hearted, with free ‘Love Stinks’ needlepoint kits, to Love Lost Readings. The main feature, however, is letting customers sample new Altoids Dark Chocolate Dipped Mints, accompanied by free lattes.

Simply delightful.

If you have a moment, check out the new Altoids website. It’s got a few glitches but there is so much explore. www.altoids.com Especially, the singing telegram, hilarious.

As if we didn’t have enough to be snarky about, today we notice Ford Motor Company crowing over the “re-release” of the Taurus. Over the years, Ford has rolled out some big names: “Thunderbird.” “Falcon.” “Galaxie 500.” “Ranchero.” “Mustang.”  Hell, even the “Country Squire” brings a smile to the faces of people of a “certain age.” (Quit laughing. Don’t make us come back there, we will turn this car right around.)
Now. Raise your hands if you’re overcome with a wave of nostalgia for the “Taurus.” We didn’t think so.  The breadbox-looking denizen of municipal motor pools and downmarket rental agencies everywhere has never inspired anyone outside the Ford boardroom to do anything…except keep driving to the Toyota dealership.
We’re not surprised that Ford is claiming this move is part of their “New Way Forward,” but what really makes us throw up in our mouths is the Detroit Free Press’ fawning coverage of the subject:

“…On Jan. 24, (Ford CEO) Mulally told the Free Press that he was considering reviving the name.

…Reviving the Taurus name is a small correction, but it shows Ford customers, dealers and employees that the captain is awake at the wheel.”

Um, excuse us, but exactly how does this “bold move” show that the “captain is awake at the wheel?” Wheel of what? The Titanic?
The only time we’ve ever had “fond feelings” for a Taurus is when we were able to get it back to the rental agency before any of our friends saw us driving the craptacular conveyance. 

Now, to be fair, the article goes on to say that “The original 1986 Taurus saved Ford from failure.” This may be true, as 1986 wasn’t exactly 1968 in terms of inspired auto design – and the Taurus was a very affordable 4-door. We are also sympathetic to the Free Press’ desire to rescue Ford from failure. But cheerleading doesn’t help a dumbass corporation like Ford. It only enables their dumbassery.

You want to make a bold move, Ford? Adopt CAFÉ’ standards. Pioneer cellulosic ethanol vehicles. And quit listening to yes-people. You guys need better products. Not a lot of bull.

Is Google losing the midas touch?

Following up on the mess that is Gmail, tonight they offered me a Guatemalan video on My Google homepage.

Google Video started appearing on My Google pages this week.

Surprise, the video is in Spanish.

I don’t speak Spanish. I don’t regularly search for Spanish things.

This selection is a misstep. It prompts me to doubt the G men.

Fellow blogger Piers Fawkes takes Google too task for its inability to spider Blogs and points to other problems with their search algorithm.

Google may lead search he argues, but that is not to say Google search is perfect. Because too much of search is based on what  pages seem to be about –rather than what the pages really are about.

At the risk of being branded an i-heretic I wonder how far we are from the next Google?

The opinions expressed in  Mortablog  are not necessarily those of the author or anyone else at the Mortar
for that matter.  Just who owns them is kind of unclear really.  If you
do find someone who will own up to them for sure, let us know.