FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE:
Five vagrant zombies were sighted last Friday around 3:15 p.m. on Maiden Lane, near San Francisco’s Union Square. An eyewitness named Phil (the bartender at Otis) reported hearing a series of bone-chilling screams, immediately followed by Mortar employees bolting out of the building like their lives depended on it. Probably because they did.
“It was crazy,” said Phil. “I mean, I’ve had drinks with Scott, and he’s usually a really calm dude. I didn’t think he could shriek like a 10-year-old girl at an N Sync reunion concert.”
Licensed zombie-ologists are still investigating where the undead visitors may have originated from. However, past research has shown that zombies are drawn to especially old buildings, and 25 Maiden Lane is on San Francisco’s Historic Register. Mark Williams, managing partner and co-founder of Mortar, contends the pseudo-humans were after the abnormally large brains of Mortar’s employees, a hypothesis his colleagues widely support.
While no news crews made it to the scene in time, we did secure this footage captured by a group of Norwegian tourists:
Mortar’s office was mercilessly ravaged by the pale-faced monsters, leaving it uninhabitable. However, thanks to the wonder of small agency efficiency, the company managed to find a new home over the weekend. Mortar’s new residence is 2 Bryant Street, Suite 210, in San Francisco’s SOMA neighborhood – located across from Red’s Java House and Pier 22 1/2 (zipcode 94105 for those who plan to send love letters). The move comes at an oddly convenient time, since the agency had outgrown its space and was dangerously close to installing bunk-desks.
No Mortar employees were seriously injured in the event, and all are reported to be in stable condition. Allyson Stinchfield, Director of PR and Social Media, did receive a dollop of zombie spit-up in her eye upon asking one of the flesh-eaters if he was Moby.