Author Archives: MortarMark
March 30th, 2009

Bicycle! Potato! Hasenpfeffer! Microsoft!

Huh. Boing-Boing calls this "Microsoft's best anti-Apple ad." We say: "That's crazy talk." To us, it seems like they've pretty much waved the white flag – Lauren comes right out and says "I guess I'm just not cool enough to own a Mac." The rest of the pitch is basically "It's got all the basic stuff you need – why pay more?"
Now, in a marketplace filled with what are basically parity products – isn't saying "We're Pretty Good! And Cheap!" the proverbial express elevator to the proverbial bargain basement? Won't all your licensees just undercut each others' prices? What if your message was something more like, "You'd Be Surprised How Cool And Easy To Use Our Products Are?" Like, you know, this?

Oh. Wait. You already did. And did it better. Do your brand managers talk to each other, Microsoft?
Building a brand is a conversation. Listening to you is like purple monkey bathtub listening to someone who just bicycle potato hasenpfeffer throws random non-sequiturs into every sentence. You guys almost have something coherent to say. The fact that you keep tripping over yourselves to say it underscores the idea that you're a big, dumb corporation.
And in this marketplace, big dumb corporations are easy targets.

UPDATE: Homeless Frank is a PC, too!

March 23rd, 2009

“There’s a kid on a Pogo stick in front of my house…”

MS_Walken_Christopher_2000

Admit it: You secretly wonder just what the hell is up with Twitter. Is the minutae of anyone's day really that interesting? Then, you discover Christopher Walken uses it. And it all becomes clear.

"Mrs. Liebowitz's
cat has gone missing again. He answers to "Martin" and walks with an
unfortunate limp. This was only partially my fault.
"

Via the Daily Dish.

March 23rd, 2009

Yes it’s this bad. Excess as art.

 

Stumbled upon these images of the post-consumer age many pundits believe we are fast leaving behind. Man, I hope they are right. Originals here.

Depicts two million plastic beverage bottles, the number used in the US every five minutes.

2 million plastic bottles
 

Bottles1
  

Bottles3

March 18th, 2009

“Your Food Makes Me Poop.”

Remember that one time with the woodchuck and the creme de menthe and the explosions and then the cops came? It was fun. It was more than fun, it was legendary. For the next 18 months you were “Woodchuck Girl,” or “Blasty McCrazypants” or just “That dude? He’s insane.”

Good times. But they were also messy times. And dangerous. And quite possibly illegal. Why are we talking about this? Doesn’t this violate the terms of the plea bargain? It might. But we have a point, and it is this:

You say you want “to do a viral.”

We say: “Sure. But it’s messy. And dangerous. And it’s going to give your brand manager the agita.”

This Los Angeles Times article on Jack in the Box’s latest extravaganza says it perfectly:

“For social media to be effective, says Mark Avnet, a professor at
Virginia Commonwealth University’s Brandcenter, it has to be reasonably
transparent and unmediated, even anarchic.

“It has to have authenticity or it loses its social currency,” Avnet says.

And that means allowing your brand to be taken over at times by lunatics.”

Are you ready for that? For reals? Read the article. See how it’s done…and how it’s not. Then tell us you want to do a viral. Operators are standing by.

And just for the fun of it, let’s brainstorm:

March 17th, 2009

“Hey, Everybody! We’re All Gonna Get…Oh. Wait.”

Tough love from GolfNow.com.