We’re an SF agency dedicated to finding new and better ways to reach today’s slightly pissed-off consumers, and we’re hiring a Graph…wait, wait, wait. Hold the @*#@ing phone. Why are we hiring another designer? What, we don’t have enough fixed-gear bicycles and neck beards? Get one of those hipsters to write your stupid want ad. Or maybe they can design one. “Oooh. Look. Helvetica! Let’s all drink coffee!” Fine. We’ll hire one. But we’re gonna stick a bunch of random crap in the job requirements just to torture them into actually reading the copy.

Stuff you should have:

• An ability to organize and deliver multiple design elements of complex, large-scope projects.
• Serious talent and strong portfolio that showcases it.
• A gross neck-beard, because, gross. (hand-drawn-with-marker ok.)
• A BFA (or equivalent experience, we know most of this stuff can’t be taught.)
• A sophisticated understanding and use of typography, color and layout both on and offline.
• Jazz hands.
• Ninja-level proficiency in the Adobe Creative Suite, especially InDesign, Photoshop, and Illustrator.
• 0 to 2 years experience in a similar role.
• Enthusiasm for websites, mobile, social media and emerging digital technologies.
• A jaunty cap.
• Great client relationship skills as you’ll be working directly with clients at times.
• A picture of an orangutang.
• Ability to take direction from CDs and execute flawlessly. (If you thought we meant “compact discs,” you can stop reading now.)
• A sense of humor and thick skin.

Responsibilities you will have:

• Work with teams to keep projects on time and help set expectations for client.
• Procurement of whiskey for copywriters whenever asked.
• Concept and execute designs based on overall brand messaging.
• Provide strategic design vision for clients and agency.
• The ability to work independently.
• Falconry.
• Manage project priorities.
• Take projects from early stages of development to final production.
• Keep a cool head in the midst of insane client requests.

Big Finish:

In addition to the obligatory coffee, cigarettes, Skittles™ and beer, we can offer you something even better. The chance to help build a new kind of agency, one that will reshape the creative landscape but then grow out of control and suffer a humiliating public breakdown but then have a VH1 special and then be cool again in a retro sort of way. Not Vince Neil-cool. Actual cool. Like Pam Grier. She’s awesome. Anyway, send your resume plus online portfolio or work samples to hireme@mortaragency.com.

And don’t forget the #*$(&ing orangutang. No phone calls, please.