Dear Mainstream Media,

We can’t believe we have to tell you this, it appears we do.
When a disaster like the Boston Marathon bombing occurs, how you respond is a measure – the measure – of your character. From where we’re sitting, it appears that you have time to compile, review, edit and upload video from the scene, but you don’t have time to turn off the @&#^ing preroll commercials!? Seriously?

Face. Palm.

Can you imagine how people feel about you – and the poor brands with the dumb luck to be in those preroll commercials – when they click on a breaking story and are greeted with something like this? The viewer’s first reaction is pure hatred for that hapless brand. We know because we felt it, too.  But then, we realized that not only is it not the poor brand’s fault – they’re going to have to pay you for the privilege of having the world hate them. So, listen up: If there’s an account weasel strutting the hallways, bragging that s/he got Brand-Who-Shall-Remain-Nameless-Here some “prime real estate” yesterday, fire that weasel. Now. Because Shilling Whilst The Orphanage Burns is what we in the biz call “Bad form.” Really bad. Here, we’ll explain it with a picture, so even CNN can understand:

And then there’s…this:

Epicurious, may your Maybach stall out in front of a runaway dung wagon.
And then the dung wagon catches on fire.
And then an asteroid hits you.
And then the truck that is carting what’s left of you and your miserable #*$&ing whole-grain cranberry #*$ing scones away is hit by a second asteroid. And that asteroid is made of molten space dung.  Our point being – you know what? We’re not even explaining it again. Figure it the #*$@ out. Or go out of business.

As for the rest of you, be brave. Never let the weasels win. And here’s some stuff that won’t crush your soul.