“You think you know Wheat Thins? F*%k you.“

Prepare yourself to fall completely in love with – then back out of love with – then be sort of ok again with –  a brand, all in the space of 6:50.

Yes, we posted this because it’s funny.

Yes, we posted this because it reminds us just how ridiculous we all are in our attempts to turn the art of conversation into the “science” of marketing.

But most of all, we posted this because it reminds us of Kurt Vonnegut’s asshole.

No, not his actual asshole, but the big ol’ asterisk he drew in Breakfast of Champions that represented an asshole. Right in the middle of the page. Just drew that thing. In the middle of a non-illustrated novel.
Which is, as we’ve noted before, A Thing You Cannot Do. But he did.

Stephen Colbert’s sponsortunity/takedown/whatthehelljusthappened routine certainly shows us how ridiculous megacorporate brand strategists can be, but more importantly, it lifts the curtain on strategy itself. Which is a bona-fide asterisk-in-the-middle-of-the-page-moment.

You can’t do that, right? You can’t just tell people your brand strategy…they might…they might discover that crackers are not in fact baked by tree-dwelling elves, but that they come from giant megacorporations who want their money! Gasp!

Here’s another example:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PvYP_d2S1Pg

This Old Spice ad starts out as a Bounce ad; becomes an Old Spice ad, then a Bounce ad again and finally, we get a strong powerful Old Spice finish.

Again, you can’t do that! You just spent half your expensive media time plugging a brand you didn’t mean to plug! Unless…unless you’re a megacorporation who happens to own both brands. But even then, aren’t you outing yourself as a megacorporation? Won’t the people rise up with pitchforks and torches?

And since you’re a megacorporation, aren’t you supposed to be acting like mega-tools? Like the people who wrote that Wheat Thins memo?

So, gentle readers, we ask you: How are we supposed to feel about this? Megacorporations drawing asterisks? It’s unnatural, we tells ya! And since megacorporations love nothing more than blindly following one another, is it reasonable to expect more of this?

We sure hope so.

On a day that celebrates that many splendored thing called love, it feels lustfully inappropriate to treat you to this anti-valentine. Outdoor clothing retailer Moosejaw Mountaineering has whipped up a permission slip that (if your significant other complies) gives you license to “snuggle, French, or fully do it” with someone else. The downside is it might trigger a wave of stormy breakups across the nation, but the upside is clever brand awareness. Nice job, Moosejaw. And Happy V Day to all you swingers out there.

 

This is the Great Gazoo. A minor character from The Flintstones, capable of magic.

This is Eli Manning, quarterback of the Super Bowl Champion New York Giants, who bears an uncanny resemblance to the Great Gazoo, and is also occasionally capable of magic, although not enough magic to get Mortar to do a Super Bowl Ad Recap on time. The man was busy last week, as were we. Sorry. Let’s get right to it.

Three We Liked:

Toyota – “Reinvented”

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k9L-8372A3w

“Reinvention” as an idea is more beaten-to-death than the New England Patriots’ hopes and dreams. (Yeah, we said it.) But in this spot, we can almost hear the creatives saying, “You want “reinvented?” Oh, we’ll give you reinvented…” and off we go into a magical land where curtains are pizza and Toyota Camrys are actually interesting. Well done.

Chevrolet – “Camaro/Happy Grad”

User-generated stuff usually makes us insecure and bitter. Like the New England Patriots. (Pow!) But this Chevy spot is an exception. The (amateur) actor’s beautifully over-the-top reaction equates owning a Camaro with ridiculous amounts of joy, which is never a bad idea when you’re selling a completely impractical muscle car these days.

Side note: We had more than one viewer ask us if it bothered us that the kid was getting a mini-fridge for graduation. Wouldn’t you give that to the kid when he was entering school? Just sayin’.

Volkswagen – “The Bark Side”

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6ntDYjS0Y3w

There is almost nothing good about this spot. Kinda like the Patriots’ defense. (BA-ZING!) It employs the same level of creativity as The Singing Dogs’ version of “Jingle Bells,” which is universally recognized as the Most Hated holiday song.  But if you can watch this without smiling, we’ll pay you $542 bucks.*

Two We Hated:

Go Daddy  – “Body Paint”

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NG2qU7x4Djo

We love gratuitous nudity as much as the next shifty-eyed person in a raincoat, but the on-purpose tastelessness of Go Daddy’s schtick was bad the first time, and has somehow managed to get worse.

Career Builder – “Business Trip”

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xYJ9EW50h1I

Recycling. Good for the planet. Bad for ideas. And it’s even worse when it starts to affect the credibility of the Mortar Monkey Theorem, i.e. “Monkey=Funny.” So this recycled idea that was only moderately funny the first two times, is really getting stale at this point, which annoys us. What we’re saying is – “Don’t use chimps in sucktastic ads, you hacks. You’re ruining it for the rest of us.”

And One We Really Loved That You Probably Didn’t See Because…Canada.

Our goody-two shoes brother Canada, all jealous because they get a stupid Grey Cup instead of an awesome Super Bowl, went and did this wonderful Budweiser spot that you had to live in Canada to see. We are not crying because there is no crying in hockey, but…look. Just give us aboot a minute, eh?

(Whatever, Canada. You’re perfect. But we’re still behind America bald eagle percent.)
Honorable mention to Chrysler, who you’ve probably heard enough about by now.

E*Trade and Coke, even the Great Gazoo can’t save you dum-dums from lame overuse of characters. (And if there’s anyone who should know from lame characters, it’s him.)  See you next year. Probably about a week late.

Congratulations, Giants.

 *By “we,” we mean “Mark.”

So we’re reblogging this from Eat24’s Tumblr (which rules, go follow them,) because we absolutely love the fact that their customers are not only getting into the brand, but getting into the act.

P.S. Charge your phone, eh?