Well, for one thing, we’re glad we’re not flying this year.
We don’t want our junk touched until at least the third date.

Apparently, this is not a new sentiment, seeing as this New Yorker cartoon is from 1938. See the rest here.

If we were flying, we’d be thankful for Hipmunk, a great little travel site that rates flights not only by price and schedule, but also factors in “agony.”  This is the kind of simple, funny, and wonderfully helpful goodness that brings your brand love beyond reason. Well done.

Speaking of goodness, we are always thankful for vodka, particularly when it comes with luxury, status…and a Viking.

Speaking of vodka, (Yes, again. Shut up.) our pals at Otis get a nice mention in this writeup of Stuff To Do In San Francisco While Everyone Is Out Of Town from The Bold Italic. Of course, if you’re ever looking for Unexpected Awesome Things to Do in San Francisco, get in touch with our girls at CarriedAway. We are thankful for friends like them – and you – most of all.

Which is why we’re giving you your Thanksgiving present early. Enjoy.

 

Be happy, be safe, keep the crumbs out of your non-ironic moustache…and have a very happy Thanksgiving.

AWOOOOOOOO! Happy Halloween! Normally, we’d be in full Elitist Coastal Snob Mode this time of year, as we generally consider Halloween  – along with its yokel buddies New Year’s Eve and St. Patrick’s Day – to be a charter member of the Unholy Trinity of Amateur-Hour Holidays. But you know what? The Giants have us in an incredibly good mood right now and not just because the wind’s blowing this way from McCovey Cove. So allow us to amaze you as we turn a random, hastily-penned scribble wide-ranging and articulate knowledge download into a focused, must-read marketing missive. You won’t believe your eyes.

Remember this?

Yikes. Here’s hoping Mr. Bateman doesn’t get too upset when he sees the new logo and business cards we just released for online ad exchange AdBrite.

 

“Look at that subtle off-white coloring. The tasteful thickness of it…”

See how we did that? One minute, Halloween. The next minute, Random Movie Reference. Then…BAM! Work Stuff.  Office magic, people. Annnnd scene.

Ok, now on to the Actual Scary Things:

WARNING: Watching This Video In Its Entirety May Cause Violent Diarrhea And/Or The Condition Known As “Death By Embarassment.”

We’re not kidding. We only made it through the first 0:48. Really. Seriously.
We are so not kidding.

Oops. They pulled it. To be fair, it was supposed to be for an internal talent show. (They have that kind of budget for internal talent shows? That kind of profligacy is…scary! Awooooooo!)

 

Quick, Scoob! L-l-let’s get out of here!

Ahhhh. That’s better. You can always depend on the classics.
Speaking of which, it’s time for…Mortar Halloween Jukebox – iMeem Went Out Of Business Because The Economy Is So Scary-Edition!

No audio jukebox this year. And not as many songs. But you do get video, so there’s that.

 

DAVID/MARK/TODD: “Bela Lugosi’s Dead” –  Bauhaus.

Remember this from The Hunger? We’re not sure which is scarier – the atmosphere of vampiric menace, or the 80’s hair. Either way….awesomely scary.

SOPHIE: “Two of Hearts” – Stacy Q

We know. We know. But stay with us. This hilarious-yet-creepy scene is from Party Monster, an underrated yet highly scary flick. We’ve got chills just thinking about it.

SERENE: “Ghostbusters” – Ray Parker, Jr.

Wait a minute. Something’s wrong. This is a song from the 80’s. And everyone knows Serene’s musical tastes are permanently stuck in the 90’s. Which means…that’s not the real Serene! And she’s calling from inside the house!

 

HUGH – is about to rip the rubber mask off of what is obviously Pirate-Ghost Serene. Will need to gather strength first. Fortunately, there is “The Crusher” – The Novas.

And finally, a little Halloween treat from our favorite non-sparkle-vampire, Count Floyd.

 

Owooooo! Have fun out there. And GO GIANTS!!!

As much as agencies like ours love to talk about planning and research and Important-Sounding Scientifical-Type Stuff, at the end of the day, what we do is not Scientifical-Type Stuff, but art.

You either like it, or you don't. You either respond to it, or you don't.

And for as long as this game has been around, people have been trying to put it on an assembly line and bottle it. Which usually adds up to one person having an original thought, and about 10,000 other people grabbing that person's coattails and hanging on like grim death.

But here's a trick that works more often than not. Be authentic. Not what you think "Minivan Moms" "Early Adopters" or "Gen Y 2.0" will think is "authentic." What you know is authentic. Even if it's a little scary, or seems "too smart."  Because the second you get too concerned with doing what's easily bottled and replicated, you find yourself safely ensconced inside your undisclosed location corporate boardroom, and out of touch. Without the ability to be authentic.

And something like this happens.

Helvetica! And a blue square! Brilliant!

Honestly, we're not that shocked by this thing. Why? Because our expectations for a corporate behemoth like Gap are pretty low. We've designed a logo or two before. And the process of dragging the poor things through a conference room is closely akin to having weasels rip your flesh.

"OK! We'll use Helvetica! OK!"

But corporate behemothness is no excuse for pissing on our leg and telling us it's raining. Being big isn't in-and-of-itself the worst thing in the world. If anyone should be allowed to slap some Helvetica and a blue box together and call it a logo, it's Gap. After all, if they had done something groundbreaking, would any of us have suddenly mistaken them for scrappy indie upstarts? No. We're not saying they couldn't have done better. Of course they could have. But, we understand the "meh." We can accept the "meh."

Unfortunately, Gap didn't stop at "meh."

Crowdsourcing a new logo on Facebook?! Arrrrrrgh.

At best, we're looking at a weak-ass attempt to appear to be "listening."

At worst, we're looking at a global behemoth trying to get a new logo for free.

And we're definitely looking at the worst kind of cowardly treatment of their design team.

Let's see how these "passionate debates" are "unfolding."

"Dear Gap:
I'm doing this little project where I'm trying to rethink my clothing style. so here's what I want you to do:
-please design me a custom outfit. jeans, shirts, perhaps a coat and hat since it will be getting cool soon…"

Heh. Nice.

"You need a new name as well. How about "Chasm" or "Abyss." My work is done."

"Abyss." That's funny. But the one that sums it up best?

"First you guys f*ck up. Then you want someone to fix it for free?"

Ouch.
Now, in the past we've talked about relinquishing control of your brand, and how that can be a good thing. This ain't how. Because – whatever you think of the logo – the transparent pandering of the "crowdsourcing" stunt isn't authentic. Well, authentically lame, maybe.

Now for something completely different:

 

Awesome. Taking on NIKE? Recruit God. (And Doctor J.) Unreal.

Now, let's compare the conversation that went on in Gap's boardroom to the conversation that happened in Converse's:

GAP: "Let's get consensus. And consensus about the consensus. Look at some Powerpoint slides that prove whatever it is we already decided we want. And for god's sake don't do anything controversial. I'm thinking Helvetica. Is it time for lunch yet?"

CONVERSE: "Hey, you know what would be cool?"

Both of these efforts required a roll of the dice. Only one brand stepped to the table with the confidence that comes from an authentic effort.

You either get it, or you don't.

 UPDATE: Gap Caves In, Goes Back To Old Logo.

From their Facebook page:

"Ok. We've heard loud and clear that you don't like the new logo. We've learned a lot from the feedback. We only want what's best for the brand and our customers. So instead of crowdsourcing, we're bringing back the Blue Box tonight."

Gah. Listen up, Gap, because you obviously need the help: You chose the logo. You (probably) spent a lot of time making your decision. Second-guessing yourselves based on a bunch of pointy-headed bloggers complaints? You've made a huge mistake.  Again.

"Looks like Bruce Bochy's bringing in the new kid. When it's time for a change, think SpeeDee Oil Change and Tuneup."

"WHOOOOOOOO! NEW KID! WHOOOOOOOOOO!"

"Well? Where is he?"

"Bochy may want to speed things up a bit. The crowd's getting a little impatient."

"Girl, you better have that baby." 

"Where is that kid? Oh, wait. He's right here, hiding behind my giant head."

Mortar, the San Francisco Giants, and everyone else we know would like to welcome Benjamin Earl Inclenrock to the ballpark. Let's check out his stats:

BATS: Left

THROWS: Left

HEIGHT: 20.5 inches long

WEIGHT: 8lb 8oz

NAMED AFTER BEN KLAU: No.

DOB: Today. A birthday he shares with Mortar alum Nora Thompson, who will be sure to show him where to get a Cha-Cha bowl. Took ya long enough, kid. Go get 'em.

"WHOOOOO! NEW KID! WHOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

"Take over, new kid. That crab freaks me out. I'm outta here."