Hey, remember back at Christmas, the Holiday Recession Kit? Well, it’s back, now in Minty-Fresh Non-Holiday Form. We made a couple slight changes: The Magic 8-Ball that leaked all over the place is gone, replaced by dice. Much handier in a recession. And the liquor is replaced by a coupon for liquor, which is also much handier, because it puts our crack bartending team at your service, and they make a mean cocktail. So visit the site, fill out the form, and let’s have a drink. Or start a crap game. It’s a good way to network, and a better way to stave off the impending apocalypse.
"Give us the drink coupons and just walk away!"
After all, we’ve got to stick together in times like these. Now more than ever.
MORTARBLOG: OK, first up, "Huluwood," starring Alec Baldwin for Hulu.com.
LEE MARVIN: ""An evil plot to destroy the world." Yeah. That's funny. You mushbrains keep riiiiight on laughing."
AOK: ""Mushy-mushy." I wike it. Keeps evwyone fwom knowing about my evil pwot for world."
MORTARBLOG: OK, so Hulu's a winner. Next up, Sobe, with "Lizard Lake."
LEE MARVIN: (stares angrily, jacks round into .45 automatic.)
AOK: (stares angrily, jacks round into adorable little .45 automatic)
MORTARBLOG: Wow. You guys really hated that one.
LEE MARVIN: "These better get better."
AOK: "Word."
MORTARBLOG: We're probably not in the demographic. I'm sure it will sell a lot of…drink. (adjusts collar, wipes brow) Is it hot in here? OK, next up – some old friends for Cash4Gold.com
LEE MARVIN: "Hmm. I might know where a few gold teeth are…lying around. Not bad."
AOK: "Wecession sad."
MORTARBLOG: Amen to that, Kitten. Wecession sad indeed. Maybe some flowers will cheer us up. Let's take a look at this spot from Teleflora.
LEE MARVIN: "'The competition's flowers aren't just lame, they're destructive and evil.' Now that's a strategy you can do something with. I like it."
AOK:"WHO YOU CAWLIN 'FAT AND SMEWWY' PAL!? YOU WANT A PIECE OF THIS!?"
LEE MARVIN: "Easy, kid. Easy. Too many witnesses."
MORTARBLOG: OK, split decision on that one. Kitten, I know you'll love this one, isn't this guy your cousin?
LEE MARVIN: "I usually only eat mescal worms or the still-beating hearts of my enemies, but I gotta say, I might have a side of Cheetos next time."
AOK: "Cousin Chester funny. Gwad he got out of wehab."
MORTARBLOG: OK, so we like the Cheetos. Speaking of old friends, let's take a look at the resolution of that Denny's spot we teased last week:
LEE MARVIN: "See? What did I tell you. Nice setup – weak resolution."
AOK: (curls up in chair, sleeps)
MORTARBLOG: Huh. No love for the pancakes. OK guys, two minutes in the fourth quarter, down by three…CareerBuilder:
LEE MARVIN: "Somebody called me "dummy" at work once. Once. Funny ad, though."
AOK: "Purrrrrrrr."
MORTARBLOG: Well there you go – five we liked, one we hated, and one we-told-you-so. Congratulations to the Pittsburgh Steelers, and thanks to both of you. Two weeks until pitchers and catchers report!
Introducing Marvin and Kitten, starring the ghost of Oscar-winning actor Lee Marvin as himself, and Adorable Orange Kitten, played by an adorable orange kitten. In each episode, we’ll see how creative and media stand up to the take-no-prisoners sensibilities of Lee Marvin…as well as the soft, gentle play-with-string-and-fall-asleep aesthetic of an Adorable Orange Kitten.
Let’s meet the players:
LEE MARVIN: February 19, 1924 – August 29, 1987
American film actor known for playing villains, soldiers, and other hard-boiled characters. Won 1965 Best Actor Oscar for Cat Ballou. PFC, US Marine Corps, sniper, 4th Marine Division. Awarded Purple Heart for being shot in ass at Battle of Saipan. Died over 20 years ago, yet can still kick your ass.
HAS ABSOLUTELY ZERO PATIENCE FOR: Consensus-building, light beer, people who say "synergy," small dogs, "playing it safe."
ADORABLE ORANGE KITTEN: January 1, 2009 –
Kitten. Known for batting at things, leaping, playing with string. Obsessed with “cheezburgers.” Ironically, has never seen Cat Ballou. Is just the cutest wittle thing you ever saw yes he is yes he is yes he is.
IS ABSOLUTELY TERRIFIED OF: Risk, danger, peril, uncertainty, "seeming too smart," angry letters, small dogs, and taking chances.
And now, to our first interview…
MORTARBLOG: A pleasure to meet you both.
LEE MARVIN: “Tequila. Straight. Now.”
ADORABLE ORANGE KITTEN: “O hai. I can haz cheezburger?”
MORTARBLOG: We’ll send out for tequila and cheeseburgers, yes. So, the Super Bowl is coming up. Three million dollars a spot. I’ve got a sneak preview to show you. Let’s look at this work from Denny’s. Molly, can you roll the clip?
LEE MARVIN: “I like Denny’s. Nothing like a "Moons Over My Hammy" after a night on the town with Borgnine. That guy’s a friggin’ maniac. And I like Goodby. But you know what I hate? I hate teaser ads. They make you think something really great is going to happen later. But it rarely does. So rarely does. Kinda makes me want to shoot the director in the face.”
MORTARBLOG: Ooooooooooookay. Is that tequila here yet? No? All right, Kitten, you’re up.
AOK: “I can haz wesolution? Also, music was scawy. Bweakfast not scawy.”
MORTARBLOG: Well, there you have it. “Shoot the director in the face,” versus “scawy bweakfast.” We look forward to much more in-depth conversation with you both.
AOK: “Where cheezburger? You pwomised!”
LEE MARVIN: “The little pussy’s right.” (jacks .45 round into chamber, stares menacingly.)
Stay tuned for more exciting creative commentary and new media explorations with Lee Marvin and Adorable Orange Kitten, and be sure not to miss The Marvin and Kitten Super Bowl Special! Coming this Monday, only at the Mortarblog.
We were going to do a DABA Girls As Signs Of The Impending Apocalypse-Post,but then we saw that the New York Timesgot there first, and, well, we weren't about to follow The Old Grey Lady. After all, everyone knows that New York is over, and Washington is all what-what now.
(Since Mortarblog is ensconced in a fortified bunker in San Francisco, we will continue looking down our noses at both y'all.)
But we did notice a shiny nugget amongst the wreckage:
Gilt Groupe provides fashion enthusiasts online access to designer fashion from top brands at sample sale prices.
Pick us up something shiny, won't you? And stay tuned for the triumphant return of the Mortar Recession Kit. Because nothing says I love you like cheap drinks and a spork.
