Jul. 17th, 2008

We’re hiring a PR Director!


Okay, we’re looking for someone pretty special, so we’ve decided to use a highly-scientific point system on this job posting. Let’s begin.

We are in search of a strategist. A mentor. A raconteur and bon-vivant. Someone who can speak fluently (and passionately) about PR trends, brand strategy, and the convergence of marketing and social media.

Add three points if you think people who use the word “convergence” are complete poseurs.

Of course, you won’t have the luxury of just sitting around thinking. We’re a bit too frenetic for that. Instead, you’ll be one of the loudest voices (figuratively speaking) on our leadership team.

Add five points if you think people who use the term “leadership team” should be placed in re-education camps.

You’ll plan and drive strategy on major accounts, coordinate agency resources, develop your team, and provide laser-accurate guidance for the future. You’ll also contribute regularly to our new business efforts.

Subtract two points if the phrase “develop your team” scares you too much.

We’re Mortar, a San Francisco-based communications agency with a thing for challenger brands. We work across all media. And we offer our clients a different “way in” through unexpected consumer insight. PR has been integral to our success from day one. We believe every program can be magnified by the power of positive coverage. We believe in traditional outreach. But we’re also known for alternative strategies from street-level initiatives to advanced WOM techniques.

Add one point for saying “WOM” out loud.

You’ll need 7-10 years of B2C agency or in-house experience.

Add two points.

An abject hatred of big PR agency politics.

Add fifty points.

And a belief that there must be a better way.

Add twenty-five points.

You’ve worked with brand managers, account planners, creatives, media people, and the occasional intern.

Add ten points.

Substantial WOM experience is key.

Add five points.

Most important, you’re funny, slightly sarcastic, and capable of consuming fishbowl-size margaritas on a regular basis.

Add fifteen points.

Just like you, we’re selective about who we work with. Personality really matters. After all, we want you to feel at home here and help shape our agency for years to come.

OK, add up your score.

100 or above: Grab a fire extinguisher! Your pants are on fire! You are an abject liar, sir-or-madam. Why would you need this job? You invented the Internet! Also, the submarine sandwich!
But seriously, we admire your chutzpah. If you’re not running for Congress, we should talk. (And plan your run for Congress.)

75 to 100: Have you lost weight? New hair? What is it about you? We love it. Send your resume. Or call us, we’ll come pick it up. 

50 to 75: We find you strangely compelling, like Flamin’ Hot Cheetos. We know we shouldn’t, but…give us a taste anyway.   

0-49: Have you considered a career in telemarketing?

Start by sending a brief cover letter and resume to our MD, Mark Williams, mark@mortaragency.com.

 Bay Area residents only, please. All responses held in strictest confidence.


  • Jul. 20th, 2008

    Working in law I know NO ONE who would even rate a smolder on your scale. But if you ever have a position open for stalker, I’m totally bringing my own ring of fire in there.

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