It’s not bowling. It’s not golf. And whatever you do, don’t call it “bocce.”

It’s Lawn Bowls. And it’s the next big thing in American sports. Like Mahou Sensei Negima, the metric system, and boxed milk, Lawn Bowls is just another train that our nation inexplicably missed. 20 million people around the world indulge in this delightful diversion, while only 17,000 do in the U.S. The game has been around for 500 years – so exactly why haven’t we recognized its undisputed awesomeness yet?

No sport becomes an American pastime overnight. Do you think baseball was popular in its germinating stages? “Hey guys: Let’s all put on tight, non-breathable pants, have someone throw a rock-hard leather ball at our faces, then dive headfirst onto dirty vinyl bags all day long.” Yeah. Maybe later.

Sports gain popularity through awareness – which is what Lawn Bowls lacks in the U.S. That's why the United States Lawn Bowls Association came to Mortar. And it’s why Mortar is on the hunt for sponsors of all shapes and sizes for the USLBA.

If your brand is looking to gain awareness and boost its image, this is a low-risk move with a potentially huge payoff. Although Lawn Bowls is a sport you can play whether you’re 19 or 90, the average player age is 50+. With the exploding number of baby boomers entering the market each year, these leisure beavers are looking for a fun, low-impact activity to keep them from having to tend to the garden all day and converse with their one-eyed curmudgeonly neighbor.

Not many sports could be more appealing to this crowd – or for your brand. Think curling, but on grass: challenging, fun to play, and with massive potential for cocktail consumption. It’s ideal for TV coverage, but without the need for big slabs of ice and bitter cold. You play on a manicured grass court, and there’s unlimited opportunity for social activity off the green.

Brands, are you listening? Get in the rink before someone else beats you to the jack. Download USLBA's full sponsorship deets here to learn more about why this could be the best decision you’ve ever made. If you’re interested in being a national, regional, local, or event sponsor of the USLBA, contact Craig Patterson at craig@mortaragency.com or (408) 802-9122.

"Looks like Bruce Bochy's bringing in the new kid. When it's time for a change, think SpeeDee Oil Change and Tuneup."

"WHOOOOOOOO! NEW KID! WHOOOOOOOOOO!"

"Well? Where is he?"

"Bochy may want to speed things up a bit. The crowd's getting a little impatient."

"Girl, you better have that baby." 

"Where is that kid? Oh, wait. He's right here, hiding behind my giant head."

Mortar, the San Francisco Giants, and everyone else we know would like to welcome Benjamin Earl Inclenrock to the ballpark. Let's check out his stats:

BATS: Left

THROWS: Left

HEIGHT: 20.5 inches long

WEIGHT: 8lb 8oz

NAMED AFTER BEN KLAU: No.

DOB: Today. A birthday he shares with Mortar alum Nora Thompson, who will be sure to show him where to get a Cha-Cha bowl. Took ya long enough, kid. Go get 'em.

"WHOOOOO! NEW KID! WHOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

"Take over, new kid. That crab freaks me out. I'm outta here."

Running a down-and-in…to our stomachs!

From the Department Of Hilarious Unintentional PR, Seattle Seahawks rookie wide receiver Golden Tate got busted for breaking in to a Seattle-area Top Pot Donuts last night.

"They're irresistible," Tate said. "It was kind of a foolish mistake
that won't happen again."

At least not while the store is closed.

"If you ever want some maple bars, that's the place to go," he said.

Tate, 21, was neither arrested nor cited. He was given a warning,
said Officer Carla Iafrate, the public-information officer for Bellevue
Police.

Stupid rookie. That coach is gonna be on him like frosting on a delicious maple bar.

"I'm not disappointed in a guy being in a doughnut shop when they've
got maple bars like Top Pot has," Pete Carroll said."

D'oh!

But seriously – everyone who wants to go to Top Pot right freaking now raise your non-mousing hand. Us, too. Can you buy PR like that? You cannot. Unless you have donuts. Who says crime doesn't pay?

Read the full story at the Seattle Times.

Run for the hills! Pablo is really really mad about hitting into so many double-plays! That's what this is, right? Right? No? It's just a teaser for King-Kong 360-3D? Sigh. It was a beautiful dream for a minute there.

Thanks for nothing, Adrants.