"Make stuff people like. It's in the rulebook."

Mortar client Antenna just bought out Vaultus Mobile Technologies, the people who designed the eTrade app for iPhone and Droid – and gave the world the power to invest using the trusted knowledge of golf-playing talking babies.  Putting our well-documented antipathy toward The Talking Baby Gimmick aside for a moment, we think this purchase says something interesting.

Gene Signorini, vice president of market watcher Yankee Group’s Anywhere Enterprise Research division, says: “With this acquisition, Antenna has positioned itself to tap directly into…mobile market dynamics.”

To which we say, “Get to the interesting part, Gene.”

At which point Gene says, “Employees are demanding that mobile applications for business deliver the same type of user experiences that they are accustomed to getting from their personal life."

Thank you, Gene. That’s what we were looking for.

It’s like this, y'all: Somebody (Antenna) is building really cool apps that people use at work. The guy who fixes your Xerox machine. The guy who delivers Murphy’s Stout.  Instead of the clipboards they used to carry around, folks like that now have smartphones. Which do smart stuff.  So naturally, those folks – and the people who got them the technology in the first place – demand that level of functionality in their personal lives. Vaultus delivered that. And Antenna wisely snapped them up. See need, address need. Smart. 

So perhaps you've heard of this Tiger Woods fellow. Been in the news a bit lately. Kinda took Nike's "Just Do It" tagline a bit literally.  Here is Nike/W+K's rejoinder, featuring Tiger's recently deceased father. It's fascinating, on a lot of levels.

Is it nakedly exploitative and self-serving? Absolutely. Which is interesting in-and-of-itself. This spot doesn't try to be anything else. Nike is saying, in effect, "You're not stupid. You know we're trying to sell golf crap. And you know we've invested gajillions in this guy. And you know no one has more to gain from a potential comeback than us. But still, check this out."

That's pretty smart.

We bet a lot of people will make the (facile) charge that "Nike's trying to put one over on us." We don't think that's true. The situation is what it is. Nike has to face it head-on whether they want to or not. So they're putting their biggest star out there and letting his dead father scold him for thirty seconds. They're treating us like adults, and they'll probably reap the whirlwind for doing so. We wish them luck with that.

But wait, there's more.

This is a very tightly-controlled exercise in American Celebutard Contrition. By which we mean – the standard drill is:

1. Celebutard Does Something Bad.
2. Lies About Same.
3. Comes Clean.
4. Hides/Goes To Rehab.
5. Appears on Oprah to Explain Self/Take Whuppin'.
6. Lies Low, Waits For Someone Else To Do Something Worse.
7. All Better.

Tiger can't really pull off step #6 if he expects to remain in the job he's trained for since he was five years old.  But what's interesting is how Nike, Tiger, and W+K are getting around step #5.

He actually is taking his whuppin', and from his dead father, no less. "Sure, Nike – dig up Dad and have him scold me while I stand there and take it." Dramatic. Undoubtedly painful. But far less undignified – and uncontrolled – than the typical Oprah Shame Spectacle. Does it let Tiger off too easily? Probably. Does it rehab his brand? Oh hell, no. But it's a necessary step toward that end. Does it sell Nike Golf? Time will tell. Does it get people talking? Oh, hell yes. Which is good for Nike, and astonishingly freaking great for W+K.

It makes us wonder – who's in charge here? Phil Knight? Tiger? Dan Wieden? We're talking a $100 million-plus endorsement deal here. Certainly Nike has the right to make a few demands. And W+K has a duty to the brand to deliver an emotional gut-punch. But where did the decision-making start? And end? Who said, "This is what we're going to do." ?

Finally, the voiceover itself.

"Tiger? I am more, um, inclined to be inquisitive…to promote discussion. I want to find out what your thinking was…I want to find out what your feelings are…and, did you learn anything?"

On the one hand, this is an awfully soft wristslap for one of the biggest Bimbo Eruptions in modern history. We rather thought Elin's approach was more appropriate.

On the other, we live in a world that's absolutely dominated by mass media. (A world Nike and W+K had a pretty big hand in creating, if you ask us.)  We see the havoc the Global Hype Machine is capable of wreaking every time we turn on a tv, computer or however you get your news these days. Look around – it's scary out there, and getting scarier by the second.

So. Is this self-serving? Yes.
Does it let Tiger off too easily? Definitely.

But.

Has the calm, measured, "let's all take a deep breath" nature of Earl's speech taken things down a notch? And has the spot – all elements taken together -  perhaps even changed the very nature of the conversation about: Nike, Tiger, marital infidelity, celebrity, and mass media?

Has W+K rebranded the f#*$ing apology!?

We kinda think it has. We may change our minds later. But…wow. 

(All that being said, South Park did it way better, and two weeks earlier. Those guys are the heavyweight champions of the world. Very NSFW, but hilarious.)

"Avast, me hearties! We be plunderin' a treasure trove of sensible Korean cars! With a 10 year/10,000 mile powertrain limited warranty*!"

So we were fooling around doing brand research over at Jalopnik when we discovered this story about Somali pirates making off with a ship full of Hyundais. Like you, our first reaction was, "Hyundais? Pirates drive Hyundais?" Our second reaction was, "How many pirate jokes can we make?" (More on that in a minute.)

But what really put the wind in our sails was Hyundai PR flack Dan Bedore's Quick-Reaction Tweet:

"Even pirates seem to be switching to Hyundai." 

Running up your brand's colors in a bad situation? That be some fine P.R., fair and true.  (Our best wishes for the safe return of the crew.)

As for the rest of you scallywags, run out the guns and give us a broadside of seafarin' puntasticness in the Comments section. We'll get you started with one from a Jalopnik commenter:

"They thought the ship was filled with Honda Type …"Arrrrrrrrs""

On second thought…belay that…

*See yer scurvy dog of a dealer for limited warranty details.

“Damn you modern technology! Damn you to hell!”

Kids! It’s time to play:

Keep Him or Dump Him? The Game of Celebutard Scandal!

It’s the game where you’re the brand manager..and you have to decide if your celebutard spokesperson’s personal transgressions outweigh his ability to hit a ball into a cup! It’s wacky fun…with sexy results.

For a zippy soundtrack, click the bar below. 

TPIR

Accenture: ALREADY DUMPED HIM. Yeah, that one was pretty predictable. If you’re a business rules company, and your slogan is “Go Ahead, Be A Tiger,” you’re probably hitting your head on a desk right now. Also: canning his ass.

Nike Golf: Couldn’t dump him if they wanted to. And apparently, they don’t want to.
 
American Express: We say, they’re gonna leave home without him. Time will tell.
 
Tag Heuer: The Swiss looked the other way for Hitler, they’ll look the other way for Tiger.

Electronic Arts: Ah, video games. Always the pinnacle of morality. They’ll probably give him a raise. (HINT: Press A-A-B-A-A to unlock the secret VIP Room Level!)
 
Buick Golf: We say they keep him. It’s Buick. Who’s going to know?
 
Gillete: Check the roster then ask yourself, is this really The Best A Man Can Get? Derek Jeter says no. Gone.
 
Golf Digest: Keeping him. Unless you’re re-upping your subscription for info on Phil Mickleson’s man-boobs.
 
NetJets: Wanna get away? Should keep him. Probably won’t.
 
Target: Ironically, he probably could’ve gotten a “burner” here for about $20. We say – gone.
 
TLC Laser Eye Centers: SO gone. Which is a shame, because we just thought of a hilarious TV spot for them. Actually, about 12 14 hilarious TV spots.
 
TV Asahi: The Japanese? The same people who tie a sandwich to your head and release a komodo dragon? He will not be banished to the land of wind and ghosts. Keep.
 
Upper Deck: They can start a whole new line with just his mistresses! What? They are?.
 
Yahoo! Sports: Hmmm. Some Shallow Alto loyalty for the Stanford homie? We say yes. He stays.

It’s a 7 to 7 tie! We all know how young Eldrick does in a playoff. Good luck, son. You’re gonna need it.

UPDATE: Some say Stephen Colbert reads the Mortarblog. Don’t believe us? Check out this clip from last night’s Colbert Report. About 1:21 in there’s an awfully familiar joke…