“Damn you modern technology! Damn you to hell!”

Kids! It’s time to play:

Keep Him or Dump Him? The Game of Celebutard Scandal!

It’s the game where you’re the brand manager..and you have to decide if your celebutard spokesperson’s personal transgressions outweigh his ability to hit a ball into a cup! It’s wacky fun…with sexy results.

For a zippy soundtrack, click the bar below. 

TPIR

Accenture: ALREADY DUMPED HIM. Yeah, that one was pretty predictable. If you’re a business rules company, and your slogan is “Go Ahead, Be A Tiger,” you’re probably hitting your head on a desk right now. Also: canning his ass.

Nike Golf: Couldn’t dump him if they wanted to. And apparently, they don’t want to.
 
American Express: We say, they’re gonna leave home without him. Time will tell.
 
Tag Heuer: The Swiss looked the other way for Hitler, they’ll look the other way for Tiger.

Electronic Arts: Ah, video games. Always the pinnacle of morality. They’ll probably give him a raise. (HINT: Press A-A-B-A-A to unlock the secret VIP Room Level!)
 
Buick Golf: We say they keep him. It’s Buick. Who’s going to know?
 
Gillete: Check the roster then ask yourself, is this really The Best A Man Can Get? Derek Jeter says no. Gone.
 
Golf Digest: Keeping him. Unless you’re re-upping your subscription for info on Phil Mickleson’s man-boobs.
 
NetJets: Wanna get away? Should keep him. Probably won’t.
 
Target: Ironically, he probably could’ve gotten a “burner” here for about $20. We say – gone.
 
TLC Laser Eye Centers: SO gone. Which is a shame, because we just thought of a hilarious TV spot for them. Actually, about 12 14 hilarious TV spots.
 
TV Asahi: The Japanese? The same people who tie a sandwich to your head and release a komodo dragon? He will not be banished to the land of wind and ghosts. Keep.
 
Upper Deck: They can start a whole new line with just his mistresses! What? They are?.
 
Yahoo! Sports: Hmmm. Some Shallow Alto loyalty for the Stanford homie? We say yes. He stays.

It’s a 7 to 7 tie! We all know how young Eldrick does in a playoff. Good luck, son. You’re gonna need it.

UPDATE: Some say Stephen Colbert reads the Mortarblog. Don’t believe us? Check out this clip from last night’s Colbert Report. About 1:21 in there’s an awfully familiar joke…